I draw and draw and draw

Mickey Mouse DrawingI love that in today’s day you can take a million and one different kinds of classes online. I always felt this void where a degree was missing. I’ve never taken a “real” photography class and I only know how to draw from things I’ve read around the web. I taught myself Photoshop and Illustrator and I still have a lot to learn. A lot.

And I think sometimes from lack of having said degree is what holds me back.

I’m approaching 40 now. I don’t know where the time has gone. And in that time I haven’t done anything that I thought I would. Before Kevin and I met, I never thought I would get married, let alone have five children. I dreamed of traveling and eating and dancing and doing. But things change. Fast.

I somehow I feel like I’ve missed my chance.

I’ve always had this desire to figure things out. I like to know how things work and I have always rathered doing it instead of┬áhiring someone to do it for me. And most of the time I have been able to figure it out. Everything from sewing to WordPress. My biggest struggles have been in carpentry and knitting and I’ve decided to leave those to the more qualified. Ha ha.

DrewBorn

But still I feel below, less then because I am not trained. I have waffled with going to school for a couple years but I don’t feel like I can juggle my family with my alternate reality. Who has time to study if they can’t even keep up on the laundry. I wanted to be a nurse. Proudly and publicly, I proclaimed that was indeed what I would be but it didn’t happen. It hasn’t happened and I keep looking for the starting line and when I think I find it, it disappears almost like a mirage. I wanted to be a midwife. I didn’t find my love of pregnancy, the love of women’s health until I was well into baby number 3. The kind hands and the kind words of the midwife who helped me welcome Drew into the world, also lit a fire in me that I haven’t been able to grow. I’d originally thought I would do birth photography but with a family as large as mine and kids going in so many directions, it was just not possible. Not to mention, my marketing is subpar and I didn’t know where to start. And let’s face it, I feared, like everything else I’ve tried, that not only was I not good enough, but that I would fail.

I’ve since waffled with wanting to be a doula, with being a homebirth midwife… I’ve thought about it all but I’ve not been able to put my own needs and desires before what I feel like it my responsibility. These are my kids. Mine and if I am not here to take care of them, who will be. But what kind of mother am I if I don’t do anything, literally anything, for myself.

And what comes with that is that if I fail, when I fail even, I have stolen that time away from my kids doing something that wasn’t nearly as important as them. As raising them. And my brain, my brain just won’t let go of the feeling that I am really good at lots of things but I am not amazing at anything. Damn internet, I should really stay off of it.

So as a mother, one who in good intention, gave up herself, as that mother, how to do reclaim little pieces back for yourself? Because I can hear my mother telling me stories of my Baboo. She’d bowl and dance, because she still needed to be Baboo and these days, I desperately need to be me. And not just mom.

So I draw. Hoping that someday I will be good enough to charge more than 5.00. Hoping that the drawings will help my sprout wings. Wings that will help lift this feeling of stuck and will teach my kids that they have to take care of themselves sometimes too. I draw for self care. I draw to have something on my own. Even if it’s just for a few minutes a day.

It’s exhausting to be invisible.

 

 

 


Hi! I'm Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.

5 thoughts on “I draw and draw and draw

  1. Oh wow…I can totally relate! I’ve been a mom for almost 17 years, and have another 14 to go before my youngest (of 7) graduates high school. I LOVE being a mom, but that struggle not to be invisible (I love how you said that!) really, truly can be overwhelming sometimes.
    One other thing, though…you don’t have to be formally trained to be good at something. And while it’s true that no matter how good you are at something there will always be someone, somewhere who can do it better, never forget that what you have to offer will bless those around you who get to enjoy the results of your talents even if they’re not perfect!

  2. Very well written Gail. I myself felt the same way when I was home with the kids being just a mom. Start doing smal things for you and just you and hopefully one day soon those things you do for you will become bigger and bigger.

  3. Holy cow! If it wasn’t for the number of children you have, this TOTALLY could be about me. I’m so glad that I found this post.. I believe that this is a bigger issue in our age bracket (40ish) than anyone realizes. I myself feel it, and I know most of my friends talk about the same things; the feeling as if we “missed our chance”. I hear lots of my friends talking as if they missed out on what they wanted to do in order to do what needed done. I am so glad you wrote this, and shared it publicly. I know that you are NOT alone in your feelings. Do NOT give up your dreams. Being who you are and achieving your goals CAN happen. And imagine what your children will learn by you going for it all. Thanks so much for this post! <3

  4. Even though kiddos aren’t in the picture, I can totally relate.

    Things are not as I planned when I was in my early 20s – but they still aren’t where I want them to be. But if I’ve learned anything from my parents, it’s never too late to try and go for it! That right there is what keeps me going – even though I slave away the days at a zombie job.

    Keep at it! I follow you on Instagram + love seeing your drawings!

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