The Things I Should Have Said | #BehindTheBlogger


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I can remember what the door of the car looked like as we wound around the mountains of Colorado. I don’t really remember if it was dark outside or if the memory is just so dark that it feels dark in my heart but everything in the memory is that of gray. A black and white that can’t be duplicated in photo. I remember looking at the door handle and feeling the car juggle my body around and then I remember he was gone and I knew he was never coming back.

My parents divorced when I was very young and my biological father is/was a bad man. I like to think in the years since he was so awful to my mother, that he’s changed but I know better from conversations with my half brother. I saw him periodically growing up. I remember a brief visit at Easter and car ride with blankets from our mother’s home to his, almost an hour away. I remember racecars and Camel cigarettes and two tiny boys who were my brothers. I remember all the mean from that house and all the sad when I knew I’d never see him or the tiny brothers again when he created an ugly scene in the San Jose airport.

I also remember how it felt to know your parent didn’t want you. I still know, with the full burn of a fresh wound because I think about it looking at my own children. I think about it more then I probably should.

Sometime ago he tried reconnecting with me on facebook. It felt uneasy and sad and I can remember the hurt I felt when he called me by a childhood nickname that means nothing now but did then. He told me I take after a man who I knew only bad about. The only stories I’d ever heard were of suicide and sadness and now he was comparing me to him. He asked about my kids and I told him and he asked about my brother and I told him only a little because I almost felt like he didn’t deserve to know him.

But I was kind. As kind as I could be. To a man who left me so damaged that I am almost 40 and I can’t help but feel worthless. There was so much I should of said to him. That I didn’t because I don’t want to hurt people, just because they’ve hurt me.

The things I should have said to him, GO AWAY. You don’t get the privilege of knowing my beautiful children. A perfect stranger stepped up to be my dad and HE gets the privilege of being their Grandpa. You don’t. Ever. I shouldn’t have to share their names with you because a REAL DAD doesn’t walk away from their kids and so they get to know their grandkids. A real parents doesn’t  let kids feel worthless into their adult life. A real dad sticks around when there is no money and when they hate the other parent because real parents do whatever it takes to be a part of their children’s lives. Love doesn’t come from money, love comes in time spent and you missed out. You don’t  get to know my kids. Ever. It’s the one thing I can’t bend on.

There is so much I should of said and instead, I gave you grace. I don’t know if it’s true but there is suppose to be healing in forgiveness and I am choosing to forgive you but never forget.

I should of said, I’m sorry but you’re not privy to my life anymore. But I felt like grace should win.

Sometime last year I unfriended him. I haven’t looked back. I feel sad for him. And for what he misses. And someday just saying the words, words he’ll never read are enough to begin to let go. I can’t imagine leaving my kids. I can thank him for teaching me that lesson. I know what not to do to my kids…

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Hi! I'm Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.

Happy Birthday Dexter

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Our little Dexter turned four this past Sunday. It both feels like we’ve had him forever and that we just got him. Four years go slow and fast, much like him. When we found out we were pregnant with him I have to confess I was upset. I’d found some peace in knowing our family was complete and loved Drew as the baby. And I was scared to add number four. We went in for his 20 week ultrasound and with much confidence the tech announced, “IT’S A GIRL!!” only it wasn’t. It was Dexter. And we needed a Dexter. We just didn’t know it.

I can’t imagine a girl in his place now.

When he was born he had a natural mohawk. It matched his labor, sharp and long. He was born early in the morning. Meeting his dad and sister and a photographer friend first and then welcomed home by his brothers and the rest of the family. He was a skinny, chicken legged baby. I think he could of eaten a cow a day and never been big. He was too busy to keep weight on. But he was this cute, grouchy faced baby who I just loved. A mix of Kevin and my brother, he wore his name well and still does.

My Dexter is spunky. He’s witty for a four year old and though he struggles with words he never fails to show his love. He’s an emotional child and free and wild. Things I love about him but also things that make me worry for him. I wouldn’t change him. Not one thing.

Baby four. The wonderfully smart little Dexter. Where did the time go? Soon you’ll be in school and who will talk my ear off about the dark side and Miss Joy? Who will roll over after a nap and ask for snuggle and tickle? So fast these days pass and so soon I miss the yesterdays.

We celebrated with just family this year. It’s still to much to have a big party. I learned that last year. We decorated the house in Mickey Mouse, had a Snoopy cake and added several new friends to our menagerie of toys. He was happy and the next day upset when his birthday was over. Little did he know that Chuck E Cheese was in his near future and we finished off the birthday celebrations with a trip to Build A Bear. It was a good number four for a good little boy.

Happy birthday little man. I hope it was one you remember. I will. Missing tooth smile so happy to celebrate. Happy birthday my little love.

Hi! I'm Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.