Last night I laid awake from 2:00 until 3:30 am worried I’d gotten the back to school dates wrong and we’d be out of town for the first day of school. It spun into a terrible spiral of wondering if I’d be ruining football careers or family ties. I literally had the cold sweats till I found the Patch article with the approved back to school dates. The dates I knew but worried about. It was insanity. It was anxious parenting 101.
This morning I tried to shake it off and start the day right. But quickly that turned into a trip down anxious road where I worried that my children didn’t understand that had to take the blame for their own actions or that I wasn’t equipping my daughter for real future life, because I don’t always make her walk to school or home from practice. It finally completed it’s insanity spiral when I weighed in on a post about Aldi and left it feeling like a jackhole mother because I choose non-organic so that I can afford things like Peco and baseball gloves. And then when I buy the stupid baseball glove, damn orange bat, then green bat, I worry it’s not right and I am teaching them the wrong things and I should be more worried about feeding them grain fed, organic tofu steaks or something.
Parenting Anxiety 101. I could be the principle of that school.
And I don’t get it. I was a perfectly calm brand new mother. I felt almost no anxiety when Devlynn was born. And despite thinking I would never be a parent, I was so comfortable in the parenting roll handed to me that I just didn’t worry. Progressively, with each child, it’s turned into insanity. Pure insanity. I worry I don’t worry enough about what they’re eating or if they’re taking AP classes or if they’re making friends or if they know the dangers of internet strangers. I am worrying about worry. It’s insane. I am insane.
Sometimes I think I worry because it’s the only thing I truly can control, as backwards at the sounds. I can worry that I left my camera bag in the car and cure it by running down, in my pajamas at 3am to fetch it and save it from the thievery lurking around the corners.
Only most of the time, it turns out my camera bag was never left in my car. Because I never leave my camera bag in the car because that’s insanity. I just needed something to worry about, because I think I am in control then but really, I am really, really out of control.
I think as parents we all want the best for our children. We do what we can and we work as hard as we can to provide them with the very best we can. The older my children get the more I worry I am sending truly stellar adults into the world. I worry that because I never took these roads, that I don’t know how to send them out there with properly filled bags. Bags that know how to pay bills and attend college and do all the things I am not so sure I know how to do.
Gosh, why is parenting so hard. And why do I have to have this stupid anxiety mixed in with it? And how do I change it?