The fun in saying no…

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This week was suppose to be a slow one. One lacrosse game, baseball on the same day. Nothing outside the ordinary. Quickly it turned into a third visit to the orthodontist for spacers. Then an extra long visit to get the braces on followed by a fit filled visit to library for speech. Topped off with a nutty baby at Davis’ first private baseball lesson. Plus more stuff at the end of this week and it just felt like days got dumped into days. Just to add some extra fun, I thought to myself, I am gonna try and eat better because I cannot look like this anymore. So I decided to cut the carbs and now all I can think about is food and why I have to say no to eating.

I may die. I am not even kidding.

Basically my diet consists of pancakes or waffles, goldfish crackers, pb&j and then whatever I make for dinner. Toss in the occasional large Chick Fil A lemonade and I am a bonafide contender in the diabetic races. I will be taking insulin before you know it. Not funny I know, diabetes is serious and that’s just another reason why I can’t live on carbs and sugar anymore. But, what do I eat now?

Insert My Fitness Pal.

Biggest mistake ever. Tracking is a bad idea for me. Bad.

Take yesterday. It tells me in order to lose a pound a week I can eat 1700 calories a day. So me? In my head that means I have to hoard those calories. Every single one because what if I have to eat something silly, like dinner? And because I just spent several hundred dollars meal prepping, I have to make sure that I have enough calories left over at dinner time to cover the probable carb laden dish I have prepared for my family.

An apple with 2 tablespoons of peanut butter has 200 calories. TWO HUNDRED. This seems like a swimming pool of weight gain in my head (even though I know, logically that it’s not). So then I think all day, well, maybe I will just eat lettuce but then that logic pops in again and thinks you cannot live on lettuce alone. But cheese? Well My Fitness Pal warns you it’s a high fat food and I certainly can’t use this dressing because it is like sprinkling my salad with pure cane sugar.

So basically for four days, all I have thought about was food.

And I am insane. And I just want some goddamn goldfish crackers and a large lemonade.

12472765_10110434826850234_1072606930442487224_nBut this? This is my ass and that is the best side. From the front, I look about 5 months pregnant and I can’t keep my jeans up enough to cover my “mom of five and very lazy” muffin top. I’m chubby and I can’t take it. I don’t think I can take another summer at baseball with all the hot yoga moms while I look like a burnt marshmallow. And let’s be honest, I would like to wear something other than black but when you feel like a heifer, black is where it is at.

So this is hard. And in four days I haven’t stayed totally clean either. I forget and I eat the Goldfish that fell off the plate or lick the frosting off my hand after I cut Davis a piece of ice cream cake. I am not sure I have the mentality to break myself of these things because I can’t find things I like to replace them. When you’re a crazy person who doesn’t eat simple things like eggs or yogurt or drink protein shakes, you seem to be screwed in the land of healthy weight loss. I mean it takes a miracle for me to suck down a smoothy and those are supposed to be good. I can’t imagine adding protein of chai or flax seed.

God someone help me.

I cannot afford to stockpile almonds and protein bars.

So there it is. Me, crazy. Yup crazy.

I picked the worst week ever for this. WORST WEEK EVER.

Thankfully, I am sitting here alone. First time all week. My husband took my four, very loud boys to the park. I should shower. But let’s be real here…. I just want to read crappy articles online and pretend to eat the food I want instead of the stuff I am well, not eating while I read crappy internet articles.

It will not be a good week. I will warn you now if you see me, turn around.. it’s not worth it.

Hi! I’m Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.

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