All this talk…

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I am a chronic oversharer. There should be a support group for this.

Hi, I’m Gail and I tell everyone all the things of my life without actually think about about the ramifications of these actions.

Everyone would call back, “hi Gail” and we would share coffee and stale cookies and collect our coins for how many months we went without oversharing. It would be good for awhile. But then we’d all explode from all the stuff we wanted to share but didn’t because we, well we’re oversharers.

At least once a day I quickly retract something I’ve written out. When there are birds chirping around posts I’ve made, I quickly decide that no one has responded because they think I am one of many things. Whiny, pathetic, stupid or annoying. Or a combination of all those things. I am sure there is a room of people that I know, sitting around going, “oh my gawd she posted THAT on her Facebook. Is she crazy?” I worry that if I’ve complained or voiced sadness about something, someone will come at me with a “grass is greener” post or let me know how lucky I am (ie shut up and stop complaining only nicer). I delete. I delete a lot.

And I realize how crazy this sounds. Because not only am I am oversharer, I am also anxious.

For example, a friend offered up some clothing for my daughter. I am never, ever one to turn down hand me down and so I happily drove over to pick them up. She has children my children’s age, obviously and so I said something about my daughter having no chance of playing on the varsity team this year. Not because I don’t think she could but because she still has things to learn and well, the varsity team is pretty well set. I however, the entire way home, thought about how terrible of a mother I must of sounded like… and couldn’t get home fast enough to type out an explanations of what I really meant and that I hoped I didn’t sound like anything but my daughter’s biggest fan (Devlynn’s number 1!!!) She’d thought nothing of it…  I just crazily overshared a thought I was having and then let anxiety make me a crazy person all the way home!

I cannot be the only one who does these things? Overshare? Overthink?

Aghh.

But all this leads me to wonder, why do some of us share? And some of us don’t?

I always wanted to have a blog so that maybe someone like me, the younger me, could stumble on it and find another mom, trying her best but with issues like her own. I searched these women out in my twenties and they were few and far between. All I saw were girls who were their spouses biggest cheerleaders, while I struggled to find my place as a wife. And mother’s content with hours of play doh and parks when I just wanted a moment that was Gail and not whom ever’s mom. I saw people so comfortable in their faith that I was sure Jesus was coming to dinner at their house that very night where I still had questions about my faith and often wonder, if I was one of the forgot children. I wanted to find someone like me. There never was. This though, this had created this deep down need to share just how broken and how just raw I am. And maybe some other mother out there, would know, would read, she wasn’t alone. There were other bad wives, bad mothers and bad christians.

Through the years I’ve prayed for the bravery to do all this oversharing without the great delete. I’m the queen of delete. But it’s hard. It’s hard to say what you feel, unedited and not worry about the judge.

I do hope though, that someone stumbles here one day and knows, she’s not alone. And that I want to be part of her village….

 

Hi! I'm Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.

Anxious Parenting 101

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Last night I laid awake from 2:00 until 3:30 am worried I’d gotten the back to school dates wrong and we’d be out of town for the first day of school. It spun into a terrible spiral of wondering if I’d be ruining football careers or family ties. I literally had the cold sweats till I found the Patch article with the approved back to school dates. The dates I knew but worried about. It was insanity. It was anxious parenting 101.

This morning I tried to shake it off and start the day right. But quickly that turned into a trip down anxious road where I worried that my children didn’t understand that had to take the blame for their own actions or that I wasn’t equipping my daughter for real future life, because I don’t always make her walk to school or home from practice. It finally completed it’s insanity spiral when I weighed in on a post about Aldi and left it feeling like a jackhole mother because I choose non-organic so that I can afford things like Peco and baseball gloves. And then when I buy the stupid baseball glove, damn orange bat, then green bat, I worry it’s not right and I am teaching them the wrong things and I should be more worried about feeding them grain fed, organic tofu steaks or something.

Parenting Anxiety 101. I could be the principle of that school.

And I don’t get it. I was a perfectly calm brand new mother. I felt almost no anxiety when Devlynn was  born. And despite thinking I would never be a parent, I was so comfortable in the parenting roll handed to me that I just didn’t worry. Progressively, with each child, it’s turned into insanity. Pure insanity. I worry I don’t worry enough about what they’re eating or if they’re taking AP classes or if they’re making friends or if they know the dangers of internet strangers. I am worrying about worry. It’s insane. I am insane.

Sometimes I think I worry because it’s the only thing I truly can control, as backwards at the sounds. I can worry that I left my camera bag in the car and cure it by running down, in my pajamas at 3am to fetch it and save it from the thievery lurking around the corners.

Only most of the time, it turns out my camera bag was never left in my car. Because I never leave my camera bag in the car because that’s insanity. I just needed something to worry about, because I think I am in control then but really, I am really, really out of control.

Horrible.

I think as parents we all want the best for our children. We do what we can and we work as hard as we can to provide them with the very best we can. The older my children get the more I worry I am sending truly stellar adults into the world. I worry that because I never took these roads, that I don’t know how to send them out there with properly filled bags. Bags that know how to pay bills and attend college and do all the things I am not so sure I know how to do.

Gosh, why is parenting so hard. And why do I have to have this stupid anxiety mixed in with it? And how do I change it?

 

 

 

 

Hi! I'm Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.