I love Facebook. I do. For me, the incredible introvert, it’s the only way I can actually talk to people without feeling like I am a total idiot. And if I do feel so stupid? I can delete it and hope no one saw it. For me, it was a great way to watch family near and far grow and change and to keep in touch with people. Until it wasn’t.
Recently it just made me feel blah. Like I was a dirty voyeur, watching the parties I wasn’t invited to and sharing crap no one really needed to know. And I just needed a break from it. So I deleted the app and deactivated my account. And I am not sure if I miss it or not. But I do know it has been nice to not know what I am missing. It’s nice to be intentionally invisible verses well, whatever the opposite is of that.
Facebook automatically reactivated my account Monday. They sent me a welcome back email.
I think I am what one might call an extroverted, introvert. While I would rather be in the comfort of my home etc., I do crave some interaction. I feel sad being “left out” and I miss friendships that dissolved for whatever reason. When I get sad I sometimes look up the friends of the past and it just turns into this horrible spiral of self loath and sadness. I thank Facebook for making people so available, ha ha.
I sit in between this need to be by myself; this inability to talk to people without sounding like a nerd or whatever and wanting to be the friendlies girl at the party. Devlynn’s amazing lacrosse team had a lovely party yesterday. Families invited and so she and I made it a date. But I didn’t think I’d know anyone and so I dreaded it. But I go because Devlynn is more important that my head games. And it was nice. I knew one families and two women went out of their way to talk to me after seeing me alone. I stared at my feet while I spoke with them but I was ever so grateful for that awkward but needed reach out. Sometimes it is nice to be with real people, instead of alone, on my computer, watching everyone else have a life.
This is the week of “ends”. Davis played his last ever little league rec game. I feel like we just signed him up for tee ball and now I am trying to figure out where to put him to play next year. They had an ugly loss after loss bumping them out of playoffs in the first round and so I feel like our season got cut a little short. We had a great year though and so, it is what it is. He took his jersey off last night and I caught a glimpse at the man he is becoming and I felt both a bit of sadness and pride. He worked really hard this year but will likely never see the travel team he tried out for and really wants. He however did his best, worked and worked and he pitched like a boss for his last game and so I feel like all that hard-work finally paid off. He’s ended his last season as a pretty darn good pitcher.
Dexter will have his last day in Miss Joy and Miss Susie’s class on Friday. I feel so fortunate to have had such lovely teachers for him this year. The love and kindness they’ve shown him is priceless. A teacher isn’t required to love your kid, let alone like them and I feel like both Joy and Sue love him. I will very much miss seeing everyone on school days and I know he will miss the people and the routine of it.
I welcome summer but I dread the “the ends”.
I find myself saying, “we only have ____ years left”. It’s sort of a silly notion. Because it’s not like when they turn 18, they will stop being our kids. Hell, we will have a kid at home for another 16 years minimum but, I struggle with the big ones getting so big. The transition from kids to teen is swift. I never realized that it can literally happen overnight. That they go to bed your tiny toddler and wake up learning to drive.
Selfishly I have encouraged them to all go to local colleges. The big two agree but Drew is packing his bag for California or something. Hopefully he can go to San José to be with family. At least I know he’ll be well taken care of there.
I just wish sometimes it would slow down. For one more game in draw string pants with my Davis. One more day with mouse-y pigtails with sissy. I secretly hope she has to wear braces for a long time, because it keeps her my kid and not this stunningly beautiful almost adult counting the days til she can move out. It’s a guilty thing, wishing the babies would stop being babies. That Dixon would wean and that Dexter would stop needing me to refresh his milk cup every five seconds. But then they choose to hang with their friends Fridays instead of dinner with you and you want to fetch the milk one more time. I think about it and spend extra moments tracing the curls on the baby’s head even at 4:00am.
Parenting is tough. Real tough.
I suppose they have to grow up sometime. I just hope they always know they’ll always be my babies.