My Inner Nerd | #BehindTheBlogger

IMG_9895

I have sewed for what seems like forever. I don’t know the ins and outs still but I can follow a pattern and I have gotten better at not needing a pattern at all. I love to sew lots of things, quilts, baby clothes but my most favorite this is to make costumes.

All kinds of costumes. I secretly love cosplay. Or maybe not so secretly. It’s my inner nerd thing.

I start planning Halloween in about February normally. The kids are required to pick a costume well before fall even rolls around. I make these costumes mostly from scratch but even the premade clothes often need modified. This last year Davis was Daryl Dixon from The Walking Dead. I had to hand sew his hand painted angels wings onto a modified thrift store found, leather vest. It easily took two weeks and very, very sore fingers but it’s one of my favorite costumes to date. This year I’m hoping to talk him into being Edward Scissorhands. As you can see, I’m a little late to my game. I need to get him convinced soon because those hands will take some time. I think he’d like to be Han Solo though. I’m fine with that too.

2016-06-27_0001

Sewing is a peaceful thing for me. It helps me to stop well, thinking. Watching each stitch helps keep my mind from thinking of all the things. And I need to stop thinking of all the things these days. Lately, needing the distraction, I have started making the costumes for a photography project I have thought about for years. I hope that I can actually do it because it’s something I really have wanted to do for a while. Time gets away from me, often. More often than it should. And I over think construction and then talk myself out of construction and then I am worried it’s not authentic enough. All insane. I get it.

In August our local mall is having a small “con” and I hoping to enter the kids. It doesn’t leave me time to come up with new costumes though and Davis is pretty dead set against using his Daryl costume again, even though I think it would win the special category. It’s a bad ass vest. I’d like to dress up myself except I have in my head that only size 6 hotties cosplay. And that I am definitely too old. But even us old women can make costumes. And I’d love to really get into it more even if I don’t wear them myself.

So there it is, my inner nerd out for all those to see. Although I suspect a lot people already knew. I can’t wait to take the first set of pictures. All I need’s a little pixie dust…

#BehindTheBlogger Sidebar Button

Thank you for reading a story from #BehindTheBlogger Hop. Every 2 weeks a group of bloggers is given a writing prompt. These prompts are very open ended, so our bloggers can write about whatever they desire. The main rule is that their blog post directly relates to the topic of that week. The point of this hop is for our readers to get to know us on a personal level.

Please hop along and read all of the blog posts in this weeks hop. Just click the links below. If you want real and raw emotion, then you will find it here. After you read each post, please comment and share. We want to get to know you too!

Are you a blogger looking to join our future hops? Click here Sign Up Here

Hi! I'm Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.

Getting in the picture

IMG_7734

I won’t even tell you how many photos my computer holds. Albeit the most current years have fewer. I seem to take fewer. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve gotten better or if it’s because I haven’t the same interest I used to. Regardless, there are a lot. I have well documented all the parts of my family that I love. Each child. Each home. Each milestone. I have a photo of it. What I don’t have is any photos of me. There are simply just none.

I admit, I am camera-shy but I am regretting, incredibly, that there are no photos with my newborns and I don’t have anything to remember the walks and the crafts and the holidays that I was a part of. It sometimes feels as if I was never there. And that’s not the best feeling.

Photography. Sometimes I miss it. I never totally closed the doors on my business. I keep it “open” for my beloved annual preschool shoots and the few holiday session I do. I take a few families here and there. I miss talking to the people. I miss the connections. I miss that stuff but I am terrible at business and I was failing miserably at it. I think for the most part my clients love their photos but I can’t help but worry that I ruined their memories.

I’ve been looking for a personal photographer. I have contacted several people who either don’t have the time to fit us in their schedule or charge extra for more than 5 people. Absurd. My family is 7. It seems crazy to charge more for people who actually live in my house. It’s not as if we’ll break off into family units. We are a family unit. Just one. Needless to say, I’ve chosen not to book that person.

But looking for a photographer is hard. I have a limited budget. Not because I don’t value photography, I do but because I am a family of 7 on a limited budget and I want the very best I can afford without having to sell a child. And I am nervous that I am going to have photographer’s eye and miss that it’s my beautiful family and only see the pink panty and posing flaws of my last family sitting (which mind you was before Dixon was born).

It’s a lesson in letting go. It’s hard to let go of what I have in my head. I want my photos to look how I feel. Which is probably hard to capture when you subject has resting bitch face.

I probably should just pray for the photographer now.

If I ever find one.

Mom’s ought to be in the photos, right? I gotta make this happen.

8355072461_82b66b76bc_c

 

 

 

 

 

Hi! I'm Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.

All these moments

IMG_7833

I chased my tiny boy up and down the beaches of New Jersey this weekend. I couldn’t help but think of the tiny boy in Orlando who’d lost his life just a week earlier as I watched Dixon splash in the waves of the high tides. I felt so very lucky that I could carry his wet body back to our hotel and as he reached for me to nurse him and put him to bed I felt grateful that despite feeling this profound sadness, it does not even scratch the surface of theirs. He reached for me more than usual this weekend. I think he can sense how upset this little boy’s death has made me. I think about it and hope that as they lay him to rest today, that I will stop getting so choked up each time I look at my son or at Lane’s sweet photographs online… because I am so sad for their loss and so selfishly grateful it isn’t my own. Even though it feels very deep in my heart and very deep in my soul.

I don’t understand why God takes children. I never will and I find it very difficult to just trust his plan when things like this happen. Because I can’t see the good in taking a child from a family. I’m almost afraid to type that out. It’s like publicly admitting my faith feels shattered. Which meant it probably wasn’t that strong.  I’m not sure I’d survive the loss of my child. I am not sure I’d come back from that. I don’t know how people just trust it’s God’s plan and it makes me wonder why I can’t just trust that there is a reason for these things. Because what is the reason for a child to die… in any way but especially like that? I’m very grateful for how private they are. I am so glad to not have to see photos of that funeral. Selfish as that may sound.

But I know the days will pass and I won’t think of it so much. With each passing day I will have less sadness and the news wwill not be filled with his images, reminding me daily of this horrible loss. But his mother and father will, everyday for the rest of their lives. They’ll have this brokenness forever. Each time they pass a photo. Each time they find a hidden toy he’d left behind. They’ll forever have this sadness and I’m so sorry for that. So very sorry.

I am, unfortunately sometimes, an empath. I feel things that I shouldn’t sometimes.  It makes me feel embarrassed and weak. God knows it must sound crazy to weep for a child that isn’t even someone I know. I’m pretty sure my husband is ready to kill me. And Devlynn keeps reminding me they will not get attacked by a gator in our small town but I now cannot help but worry about the “what ifs” as I pack them up for both camp and Belize. It’s hard for me. And I try and hide the anxiety of it all but it’s not the easiest battle to fight alone and internally. And I worry about what people think of me when I say these things out loud. I’ve really tried to stop letting the inside stuff, out.

I think about The Secret Life of Bees. In it there is a story of a wailing wall. A place to go to let go of the sadness; the worries of the world. I think perhaps I need one of my own so I don’t find myself hiding swollen eyes at baseball. Seems silly to be so sad but I just can’t stop it sometimes. I need a place that I can tuck my sadness into so that I am not crippled by it all the time. I joke all the time with Kevin I need a new brain. But it’s not really a joke. I’d give anything not to feel all the things.

Tonight though, I’ll hold my tiny boy a little closer. In this tragedy I’ve taken away that life is precious and short and you never know. And my baby will only be my baby for so long. And so I’ll hold him and know that Matt and Melissa Graves would give anything to hold their son one more time. It’s a privilege I won’t take for granted.

IMG_7692

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi! I'm Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.