Let’s talk about right and wrong, shall we?

I worry about the future.

It seems our current leaders are already lacking a moral compass and now? We’ve got a bunch of 20/30 somethings with the same issues. I worry about the work ethics and the inability to see outside oneself and as I watch certain communities as an outsider versus an insider, I worry. And I worry a lot.

So let’s talk about this. Shall we?

This is Davis. My oldest son and the other young man is Conor. They’re good kids. Both of them. But they’re friends and I happened to have a photo handy of the two of them. This is not about them but I want you to have a visual. So, say Davis is cheating on his school work. Like all the time. And that Conor found out. And then Conor totally ignored that what Davis was doing was bad. And not only did he not do anything about it, he gave him tools to help him to continue to cheat on his homework. And then Davis’ entire world imploded. He about lost his schooling and his life. Where does that leave Conor? To blame? No, not entirely but part of the problem. The really big, big, big problem. And let’s say there were many people who knew about Davis’ little cheating problem and they didn’t tell either. Are they to blame? Nope. But they’re still part of the problem. Davis life imploded. Davis’ mother is upset that his friend knew and didn’t tell her so she could help him and everything has gone to crap. And why? Fear? Is it fear that keeps us from doing the right thing? Is doing the right thing REALLY that hard?

Everyone is too scared to hurt their friend and then, in the long run, THEY REALLY HURT THEIR FRIEND. Are you getting this? By not telling, YOU ARE HURTING PEOPLE. You are PART of the problem. You have a shitty moral compass and then to smack “Christian friend” on top of that lack of morality? Well, there you go. This is a huge problem. Huge. We should be guiding people. Steering them to do good and be good and not be self-serving little assholes who will lie about anything to make sure they get their way or not feel uncomfortable.

And let’s think about Davis’ mom here. She was the LAST to know. The last. And should have been the first. When there was an inkling of bad doing, friends should have said to Davis, “hey buddy, this isn’t right.” and if he didn’t listen? Maybe the teacher or someone like that if you felt too afraid or worried to tell his mother. But nope, Conor and everyone else just ignored the problem and in some cases, handed him the homework to copy in the shape of a theoretical house key. YOU WERE WRONG. You are wrong. Period.

I am baffled. Frustrated really with people, in general. And look, I am not perfect. I have screamed and pushed people at church services. *WAVING*, hi I am an asshole sometimes too. But I know how to apologize. Like a grown up. I know to say, “hey I did a really crappy thing. I can’t change it and nothing you did or anyone did makes that okay. And I am sorry”. That’s how you apologize. You don’t say, “hey I am sorry that I did that thing but you picked on me and so I felt entitled. But I am sorry, kind of but not really.” No. You don’t get to make an excuse to be an asshole. Period.

You also don’t get to be my friend if you sit back and watch that shit. This is what we call boundaries. Your vibe attracts your tribe. I fully believe that if the company I keep tends to snakes, they very well might be a snake too. But people like to watch the shit show, don’t they? The gapper delay is proof of that, isn’t it?  If you call yourself Christian if you call yourself someone’s friend. You are MORALLY obligated to point out to them they’re assholes when they’re being assholes. My friends do it to me. It makes me uncomfortable and sometimes I recoil but I appreciate it in the end. It makes me a better person and it makes me a better friend.

And so, there is my lesson for the day. I’m worried about our future. Worried.

 

 

Hi! I’m Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.

I’ll join your circle

The days are long anymore. And even though I find that I have the want to go back to the old normal, I often get stuck in this perpetual motion that actually takes me nowhere. It’s as though I am walking on a treadmill. Getting nowhere but wishing I was at my goal. I don’t like it. It is getting less sad though. As I slowly introduce some life back into my lungs, I am finding it easier to let go of the evil that is no longer welcome in my head. I slipped once. A jolly middle finger at the devil. I can’t even deny it felt good. Awesome really. It felt human. Because I am human and I am still here.

Spring is always busy. We added a boy to the baseball schedule which ended up working out fine because Davis’ team doesn’t start until mid-May. Devlynn’s wrapping up lacrosse already too. It’s been a blurry few months. I am not even sure I’ve withheld the memory to say I was here even though I have the scars to prove I was. Trying to figure out the end of year gifts and coaches appreciation is proving hard in my head but it will get done. I always get it done. The reality is it’s always been me keeping things afloat. I’m grateful now for a teammate though instead of just an investor.

I dyed my hair blue. My poor white sheets are blue though. And I think I will literally have to recolor weekly to keep it where I want it. A dear friend got me a gift card to a hair salon and I may have them bleach it for me, just to make it easier to keep up on the color. I like it. It feels like me. I like not feeling so plain. I wish I could see the beautiful people keep telling me I am.

This weekend I went to a Moon Circle. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t even sure what it was but I am so eager to say “yes” these days, that I just blindly went. It was one of the better decisions I have made in the past few months. I felt uneasy turning into the driveway; so much so I turned around. But once I got there, I knew I was supposed to be there. It was an awakening. I’m excited to see where it takes me. I pulled these Goddess cards that told my story. I received a much-needed gift and I emotionally vomited on this new friend. It was like the secret flooded out onto the earth and the pain started to slip away. It was like I knew that this was just a temporary uncomfortable. That this awful wouldn’t be there forever and was actually on the way out. Out of sight, out of mind. The world is too big a place to keep running into that which is ruining your peace. I’m taking my peace back.

Healing is a funny thing. It ebbs and flows like the waves of the ocean. Coming in often softly and with a sweet and soothing sound. And sometimes that same healing pulls away briefly…. I like to think to create a bigger wave of rejuvenation.  Sometimes when it pulls away, I get dark but I am trying to remember that the wave of health will always return. It always returns. I see it all around me. In the shapes of my children tucked into their own beds. In the warmth of my own bed, filled with comfort and love again. In the white sheets, now tinted blue, that I wash every couple of days because I love how it feels and smells to go to sleep in fresh sheets or to read enveloped in a place that no one can ever steal the peace from again. I see the healing in the smiles that greet me each day and the silly text messages and in the in hand holding. I see it in the flowers on my loved trees and in the warm and wonderful messages, I received daily. I see the healing when I don’t feel like I am mourning all of a sudden but starting new instead. Like a rebirth. We’re constantly rebirthing, aren’t we?

I don’t know that I will ever understand why these things happen. I can’t waste the time to try to figure it out anymore. I guess all I can do is appreciate that even though it took a tragedy and, holy hell, a lot of pain, that it helped me to start rediscovering myself. I won’t pretend that it’s over or that I’m at peace with any of this. I am not there yet. Not even close but I want to start to appreciate the journey. I want to know myself again and stop getting lost in the “what ifs”.

Even if that means the occasional middle finger.

Hi! I’m Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.

And there are good days

There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them. -Lawrence Welk

Kevin said he was going to do yard work today. At 4:30 am when I woke and peered out the bathroom window I thought, “ya right, it’s gonna rain”, in a sort of disappointed voice inside my head. I love when he does the yard work. The smell and sounds remind me of home, even though I am still not totally sure where home is these days. I like to watch the littles chase after him with their bubble mowers and dirty faces and we eat lunch on the porch, watching tiny-giant ants looking for lunch bits we’ve left behind. I’ve missed these days. Where we connected. We are connected now.

There are bad days. Sunday was a bad day. It will not rest well with my soul for a while I fear. Sunday turned into a Monday and then Tuesday, the longest, most painful day of the week. I made a mistake. I cried. I yelled a little and I drank a half a bottle of wine. And then it was Wednesday and I got sucked into the abyss of bad days. I won’t let that happen again. Today, I cleared my browser history. I turned my phone upside down. I promised myself I wouldn’t look. I wouldn’t respond. And I won’t. Therapist Erin told me to get a sticker to put on whatever radiates the sadness I’d fallen prey to. So that I remember to take a deep breath. I’ll walk my beautiful children to the Dollar Tree and purchase those round smiley face stickers I’d bought once before to praise the potty. I will put one on my phone. I will put one on my PC and I will remember to put one on social media. I will not cry today. I will not cry for any other reason than that I want to. Today will not be a bad day. I am promising myself there will be fewer. I will write when I want. I will likely feel afraid again and shut it all down but I will talk myself into coming back, perhaps minutes later,  and maybe only after reading the ass kicking texts from girlfriends, or in this case Beckyfriends. Those will be the good bad days.

This is not a bad day though. This is a good day. Today, I whispered to a tiny soul that mama needed to breathe. I smelled his tiny sweet head and kissed his tiny ears. And mama got a shower and I got to feel the bliss of true and kind love. I got to feel his tiny breath against my neck and feel his tiny heart beat against my own. And I knew, just then, the pain of what was coming would be okay. Endurable forgettable. He walked with me and smelled lilacs, maybe for his first time and we talked to dogs and birds and butterflies with his cousins inside my hands and holding onto my heart.

This is not a bad day. I found new music, the creativity to paint and start a long put off project for someone I really like and want to make this for. I put the flannel in the wash which  says my soul is ready to sew again. I opened the windows and let in the sounds. I opened emails, just in time to find an invite from someone I wanted to be friends and who might just wanna be friends with me. And my soul took a breath. And my heart said to me, “this is not a bad day”. I signed up for something new and scary and fresh. I responded to a few texts. I made a promise to have coffee. I commited to cake pops. I am finding myself inside the hurricane. Inside the rubble. I’m feeding the birds and they’re feeding me. I am finding myself above the lies.

I made an appointment to start my sleeve. Five bunnies, one little boy. A baseball, a mouse, a camera and sharp sewing scissors. Left arm. Not right. Right is for Gram. She’s been gone awhile now. I am remembering that I know all the goods as well as the bad and that it takes bravery to have chosen this path. This good day is telling me I am not the monster.

This is a good day and I am not a monster. This is a good day and I did not do anything to deserve this. This is a good day.

Hi! I’m Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.