All this talk…

IMG_4506

I am a chronic oversharer. There should be a support group for this.

Hi, I’m Gail and I tell everyone all the things of my life without actually think about about the ramifications of these actions.

Everyone would call back, “hi Gail” and we would share coffee and stale cookies and collect our coins for how many months we went without oversharing. It would be good for awhile. But then we’d all explode from all the stuff we wanted to share but didn’t because we, well we’re oversharers.

At least once a day I quickly retract something I’ve written out. When there are birds chirping around posts I’ve made, I quickly decide that no one has responded because they think I am one of many things. Whiny, pathetic, stupid or annoying. Or a combination of all those things. I am sure there is a room of people that I know, sitting around going, “oh my gawd she posted THAT on her Facebook. Is she crazy?” I worry that if I’ve complained or voiced sadness about something, someone will come at me with a “grass is greener” post or let me know how lucky I am (ie shut up and stop complaining only nicer). I delete. I delete a lot.

And I realize how crazy this sounds. Because not only am I am oversharer, I am also anxious.

For example, a friend offered up some clothing for my daughter. I am never, ever one to turn down hand me down and so I happily drove over to pick them up. She has children my children’s age, obviously and so I said something about my daughter having no chance of playing on the varsity team this year. Not because I don’t think she could but because she still has things to learn and well, the varsity team is pretty well set. I however, the entire way home, thought about how terrible of a mother I must of sounded like… and couldn’t get home fast enough to type out an explanations of what I really meant and that I hoped I didn’t sound like anything but my daughter’s biggest fan (Devlynn’s number 1!!!) She’d thought nothing of it…  I just crazily overshared a thought I was having and then let anxiety make me a crazy person all the way home!

I cannot be the only one who does these things? Overshare? Overthink?

Aghh.

But all this leads me to wonder, why do some of us share? And some of us don’t?

I always wanted to have a blog so that maybe someone like me, the younger me, could stumble on it and find another mom, trying her best but with issues like her own. I searched these women out in my twenties and they were few and far between. All I saw were girls who were their spouses biggest cheerleaders, while I struggled to find my place as a wife. And mother’s content with hours of play doh and parks when I just wanted a moment that was Gail and not whom ever’s mom. I saw people so comfortable in their faith that I was sure Jesus was coming to dinner at their house that very night where I still had questions about my faith and often wonder, if I was one of the forgot children. I wanted to find someone like me. There never was. This though, this had created this deep down need to share just how broken and how just raw I am. And maybe some other mother out there, would know, would read, she wasn’t alone. There were other bad wives, bad mothers and bad christians.

Through the years I’ve prayed for the bravery to do all this oversharing without the great delete. I’m the queen of delete. But it’s hard. It’s hard to say what you feel, unedited and not worry about the judge.

I do hope though, that someone stumbles here one day and knows, she’s not alone. And that I want to be part of her village….

 

Hi! I'm Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.

Anxious Parenting 101

IMG_4570

Last night I laid awake from 2:00 until 3:30 am worried I’d gotten the back to school dates wrong and we’d be out of town for the first day of school. It spun into a terrible spiral of wondering if I’d be ruining football careers or family ties. I literally had the cold sweats till I found the Patch article with the approved back to school dates. The dates I knew but worried about. It was insanity. It was anxious parenting 101.

This morning I tried to shake it off and start the day right. But quickly that turned into a trip down anxious road where I worried that my children didn’t understand that had to take the blame for their own actions or that I wasn’t equipping my daughter for real future life, because I don’t always make her walk to school or home from practice. It finally completed it’s insanity spiral when I weighed in on a post about Aldi and left it feeling like a jackhole mother because I choose non-organic so that I can afford things like Peco and baseball gloves. And then when I buy the stupid baseball glove, damn orange bat, then green bat, I worry it’s not right and I am teaching them the wrong things and I should be more worried about feeding them grain fed, organic tofu steaks or something.

Parenting Anxiety 101. I could be the principle of that school.

And I don’t get it. I was a perfectly calm brand new mother. I felt almost no anxiety when Devlynn was  born. And despite thinking I would never be a parent, I was so comfortable in the parenting roll handed to me that I just didn’t worry. Progressively, with each child, it’s turned into insanity. Pure insanity. I worry I don’t worry enough about what they’re eating or if they’re taking AP classes or if they’re making friends or if they know the dangers of internet strangers. I am worrying about worry. It’s insane. I am insane.

Sometimes I think I worry because it’s the only thing I truly can control, as backwards at the sounds. I can worry that I left my camera bag in the car and cure it by running down, in my pajamas at 3am to fetch it and save it from the thievery lurking around the corners.

Only most of the time, it turns out my camera bag was never left in my car. Because I never leave my camera bag in the car because that’s insanity. I just needed something to worry about, because I think I am in control then but really, I am really, really out of control.

Horrible.

I think as parents we all want the best for our children. We do what we can and we work as hard as we can to provide them with the very best we can. The older my children get the more I worry I am sending truly stellar adults into the world. I worry that because I never took these roads, that I don’t know how to send them out there with properly filled bags. Bags that know how to pay bills and attend college and do all the things I am not so sure I know how to do.

Gosh, why is parenting so hard. And why do I have to have this stupid anxiety mixed in with it? And how do I change it?

 

 

 

 

Hi! I'm Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.

The cakepop queen

image

I made almost 300 cake pops last week. I had help from my teenager. They were for her fundraiser afterall. I managed to make, package and deliver them all in a few days with only one order mistake. I officially hate the smell of cake but I have darn near perfected it and if I wasn’t so sane, I’d have me a little business. I know better though. 300 in one week is enough to make my back throw curse words in my direction for at the very least, 24 hours.

I am however, the local queen of cake pops. Even if I never want to see them again.

I feel  very fortunate in that I am really pretty good at a lot of things. I can sew. Well. I have made more costumes than I care to admit. Each one was hand sewn. Davis’ costume last year literally made my fingers bleed. It was wonderful and I will someday get his Daryl Dixon vest signed and framed. Because I love that costume, that kid and that man (hello Norman Reedus, wanna sign my vest?) I have made money for very tight Christmas’ with felt food and I have made many, many babies blankets. I can crochet. Pretty well. I can make a hat, a sweater and even pants now. I don’t always close my rounds just right but I am not embarrassed of my work. I’ve taught myself web work, I consider myself an illustrator and I am not bad behind a camera.  I am good at lots of things but I never feel  great at anything.

Maybe I am great at cake pops. I don’t know.

It’s really hard to work at things, with your whole heart and not reap what you feel the benefit of the work should be. Shouldn’t I be internet famous by now? Shouldn’t I have people beating down my door for my wares? Nope. That’s not in my cards and I get that but it doesn’t make it an easier pill to swallow.

It’s tough to do the work. Really do the work. And when you really nail it, it’s hard not to reach out for that pat on the back. But if we’re doing it for the pat, we’re just not doing it for the right reasons. That’s an even bigger pill. Damn pills.

image

We bought a new car last night. It’s older than my oldest child. I wasn’t very happy about the choice but it’s bigger than the other car we looked at and seems like it maybe a good fit. But some highway shaking and tough turning says it may have issues I wasn’t prepared to deal with. I hate cars. I always have. Working for a car lot taught me more than I care to know. And it makes me anxious to know we have an older car that will need care. When we bought the van I added a package that covered all the care throughout the lease. You can’t do that with an old car, bought from a person and so now I think about all the extra costs and work that are paired with a car this age.

But we needed a car and this is the one he wanted. The benefit of it is it is a automatic where the last was a stick. My daughter, learning to drive, has enough on her plate driving in this area.. it would have been killer to then add shifting to the mix.  It’s also AWD and has more room then the last car. It will be helpful to have the trunk space for sports gear etc. Also, it’s a Honda and I know if Honda’s are well cared for, it will do it’s job for a long time. I just have to make the effort to take care of it before it goes down that old car slippery slope.

I’m trying to find the positives here. It’s hard.

Hopefully, HOPEFULLY it ends up being a wonderful car. That lasts more than a couple years. Because I hate the car buying process and I just want something to last a lifetime. I know that’s a lot to ask.

Hi! I'm Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.