Girl crush #BehindTheBlogger

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Being an introvert isn’t a bad thing. Although I am starting to worry I sound like one of “those” introverts who uses her introversion as a crutch. I don’t. I am just okay with it. I, for the most part, very much enjoy the silence of just being by myself. I like to be home, with my kids doing things at home. In my home. I think you get the point. But sometimes, I’d REALLY like to have a friend.

We are “walkers” at school. This last year has been more driving then walking because Dexter still doesn’t get that we cannot play everyday. Especially days when his sister works. And so, in order to avoid a fit, we drive and I park by the bus stop where Drew is dropped off and Davis’ bus stops. I realize this is a bandaid to something I should just deal with but by 3:40, I’ve had enough crying for the day. So we drive. But when we walked, I liked it. Because it was a small chance at a little small talk each day. And I enjoy seeing the little people each day, most happy to be going home, telling mom or dad or whomever, about their wonderful day.

There are a hundred and two blogs out there about the beautifully made up moms. Hair done and legging that are more then my car payment. This isn’t one of those. Most of my mothers are in the same yoga pants I wear. They are often more colorful and rarely as beat up as mine, but they’re yoga pants indeed. Except this one mom. And she is my crush.

She’s beautiful. I once snapped a photo of her. Crazy stalker much. I posted it on my Instagram account like a crazy person and quickly deleted it when someone I know recognized her. I had shared with a glimmer of hope of wanting her to know how much I looked up to her. Because I do.  Her in her boyfriend jeans and wild shirts. She talks so nice to her child and has this wonderfully curly mop of hair that makes me want to touch it. She is always smiling. She is always dressed adorably and I found out today, she is a pretty successful entrepreneur. She just exudes happy, and kind and I want to know her secret. She’s my girl crush… my mommy girl crush. But I chickened out and deleted it in hope no one would share or think I was a complete nut job.

But she makes me smile. In mom world where it’s so cut throat and mean, I want to tell her every time I see her how lovely I think she is. I’m sure she’d think I was nuts or stumble across this blog post and immediately file a restraining order. But she makes me smile. Because she’s just seems to be who I want to be in my heart.

I wonder sometimes, well often, how it feels to be so comfortable in your own skin. I don’t believe everyone is happy or comfortable all the time but what’s it like to feel beautiful in a shirt with enormous chrysanthemums printed on it? What’s it like to talk to everyone with ease? Or wear big, beautiful rings of fake plastic gems? Or have unicorn colored hair. I’d gladly turn in black tee shirt for something wild if I could just get my heart and head in the same camp. Sometimes I run my fingers across the beautiful sparkly things at the mall and think, I’d like that. But I never buy it, because *I* would look weird. That’s what my head tells me. Anxiety, boy it’s a bitch. But I would like to be girl crush to someone… she’s my inspiration and I’d like to do that for someone else someday. Pay it forward, as soon as I get out of my own head.

In my younger days I had a wilder presence. I don’t really know what changed and I think about the pair of overalls I wore nearly everyday without fail. Because I didn’t care and they stayed up, unlike the jeans of today. And it’s about more than just clothes. It’s about self. Loving yourself so much that people can see your joy. I want to show people my joy too. But sometimes my thunder cloud is just too thick.

So girl crush, you make me smile. I want to buy all your things now…. and I want to learn from you how to be full of joy. Thank you for making me smile.

 


 

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Hi! I’m Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.

Oh the little pieces

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Today was a series of unfortunate events. We have a good life. I can’t complain but sometimes it’s like this ripple effect. The ripple of rotten. Starts with something as simple as a 4am wake  up and turns into a crap storm of just, what the ___! Today felt like one of those days. And there wasn’t even that much going on.

My reality is that of a woman who has not slept through the night in 16 years. You think I am joking but I am not. I’m not even exaggerating that much. Devlynn born into this world as the worst sleeper known to man, just set the caliber for who could torture me the most. By the time Dixon was born I realized there was no hope of sleeping till he was close to five. Even Dexter still night wakes. I’m tired. And most mornings one or both babies are up at the very latest, 6:00am and I try to beat them up so I have an hour to myself. Lately it’s not been working because much like this morning, a tiny voice wakes me and anyone else in the room. Up at 4:00am. Wide awake. And they are little enough that they still need me to get all the things. And most of the time it’s before I’ve brewed the coffee. I need to invest in one that auto brews but truth be known, I am not sure I could every begin to guess what time to set it.

Now, I’m not complaining. I signed up for this. They’re mine even when they’re obsessively repeating, “milk please”. But I am still tired. Very tired. And tired sets a tone for a day no matter how you try to avoid it.

So tired mom sits down to work a little but no work gets completed because milk cups need filled and the wooden train calls and when friends are over we make pancakes. And then I yelled at poor Dexter over hot oil and bacon and the big boys tried to save him. And Kevin’s phone wouldn’t back up and wouldn’t charge and all I wanted to do was shower, work and run and errand before he went to work but it all went to hell in a handbasket and now, I sit here wondering at the same time how the day could of gone by so slowly and yet wondering how it’s 9:00pm.

It was one of those days.

It feels a lot like groundhogs days. Days for which I am grateful and sometimes pray would slow down but ground hogs day indeed. And with each repeat of the milk cup I wonder if I will ever stop being tired.

Will I ever get enough sleep?

Of course I don’t mean that literally but I can’t even explain what I really mean.

Each morning I try and start my day with the good. I try and take the time to nurse my baby as long as he needs and then tuck him back into our warm bed to dream of the things baby’s dream of. I remember every morning to look my little ones in the face as they sleep and wish each one a good morning. It’s the time of the day I hear about Devlynn’s school and what they’re excited about but often, by the time it’s time to go, I’m a crazy mom, upset we’re late or that I can’t find shoes or whatever. And it’s because I am just so tired…

I have to figure out a way to break the cycle.

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I am taking this week to think about ways to change the days. To make them less tired.

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This week will all be sunny. I am gonna try and take a moment to write every day about something that brings me joy. The more joy, the less tired. Right? So here goes, 7 sunny days. Wanna join me?

 

Hi! I’m Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.