Hello, I am a hypocondriac

imageI never go to the doctor. Ever. I hate it. I even wait till 12+ weeks when I am pregnant. It’s just not my thing. At all. So this last week when I woke up with chest pain and short breath, you knew I didn’t feel well when I couldn’t get to the doctor’s office fast enough. I thought to myself, “great, I have pneumonia and if I don’t get it treated, they’ll put me in the hospital and my house will fall apart”. And drove me and the babies to the closest urgent care. Yoga pants, bed head and all.

I thought they’d listen to my lungs, give me a prescription and send me on my way.

Boy was I wrong.

When you go into any kind of medical building and you poorly word how you’re feeling with things like “chest pain” and soreness in you arms followed by trouble breathing, they rush you in for an EKG followed quickly by a chest xray.

I can knock that one off my bucket list.

Now imagine me though, sort of shocked, not feeling well, with my three and one year old, getting an ekg. Also mix in the fact I am still nursing and that you can’t have a underwire bra on with an EKG and you end up with breastmilk, screaming toddlers and pleading to all things holy, just to go home.

I was not having a heart attack. I don’t even have a little bit of fluid in my lungs. It’s just Costochondritis and it’s pretty much nothing. I’m a hypochondriac. You could tell by how the nurses looked at me. Ugh the worst.

My chest still hurts. The doctor said it had lots to do with toting around my monster one year old. I don’t think it helps I still hold Dexter as much as he’ll let me. And age. I guess sometimes you don’t realize how much your body has aged.

All and all it wasn’t that fun and I don’t think I will be so eager to go in again.

Health care is so scary. You worry if you don’t go in, something could be terribly wrong but if you do go in and it’s nothing, I always worry they think I am insane. The anxiety talking I realize. But I still wonder. I often wonder why some of *us* get so wrapped up in what people think about us. And why, when most people stop caring, I still do. Better to get looked at, better safe the sorry, they say but I can’t get past the “what if they think I am crazy”. I almost had Davis in the car because I so doubted myself.

I’ve decided to start the doula program this summer. I can’t however decided whether I should do a certified program or a postpartum program. I worry that if I work with woman before and during labor and delivery, I won’t have the know how to teach them to trust their own bodies. I couldn’t ever trust mine. I think my poor husband was ready to deliver our babies in the bathroom because I was so hesitant to call and “bother” anyone. I don’t ever want my mothers to feel like that. But if I couldn’t learn to trust myself, how do I teach them? And I really want to work in the birth arts. I really want to help women and families have the births they want. Especially having seen bother my sister and sister in laws wonky hospital deliveries. But will I be good enough?

I have also waffled with the idea of working as a postpartum doula but focusing special attention on mama’s who’ve lost their little ones. I think there is perhaps a special needs for care in that field. To have a “friend” who knows what to say and how to help. To be there as a physical and emotional support. I’ve only done a little research on it but found little. And as strange as people may find it, I have always had a calling to work with those with loss. It takes all kinds, all hearts and mine is with those mamas.

Making these big leaps is hard for me. I fear failing because I feel like I’ve failed at everything. And I just want to do good… I just don’t know where to start.

Hi! I’m Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.

Afraid

findyourself-01Today I got feedback from a Fiverr client that my drawing for them was too childish. I was sort of taken aback by it because if you look through my portfolio, everything is childish. Literally everything.

My proportions are never just right. My color choices are often straight out of a crayola box. There is no doubting my art when you see it. It’s childish. I know that. I know  but the sting of hearing someone didn’t like something I *love* and though, even after looking through my portfolio, that is was too childish, made me feel like I have no idea what I am doing. That I’m too “childish” to do any good.

I put mostly all my photography on the back burner. I pulled my Facebook page after the holidays and stopped both marketing and accepting new clients. I will, only take who I want and do the preschools I love but that’s it. No more weddings. No more babies. Shutting that door was hard for me. Even if it’s still cracked open slightly. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t make it. I couldn’t watch as I was barely staying afloat. I couldn’t figure out how to market or edit or sell myself. I couldn’t get past my own doubt. Or my idea that I wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t  get paid, I couldn’t charge right, I couldn’t book and I just couldn’t anymore. My feelings got far too tangled inside a business. I should’ve left it a hobby. Because me and business? We do nothing hand and hand.

I failed at my photography business because I sabotaged myself. Well my stupid brain did.

Now, moving forward I’ve fallen back into working graphic stuff. I say stuff because I really have no idea what I am doing most of the time. I am totally, 100% self taught. I watched YouTube and read a lot and I hoped and prayed I was delivering the right file types. And I don’t reach outside the logos I sell on Fiverr because I don’t know how to deliver a business card that’s universal. What if I send the wrong thing and I have done all that work and now they want their money back? And no one ever picks me on 99 Design but I keep at it even though each elimination is like a stabbing. It’s all squished up in my head. It’s like a big, brain shaped road block. Because let’s face it. I’m really, really afraid.

Afraid.

What makes it easy for some and hard for others? I watch people do it all the time. People who are no more trained than me, or talented than me. Most of the time they’re just like me. So why, why aren’t they so afraid they just can’t start? How do they beat the scary monster.

monster-01-01

I’ve applied to a ton of different places. Target, Giant and other local places. I had one interview last year at a place I really, really wanted to work but because of the schedule, we decided it just wouldn’t work for our family. So this, this is my job until my availability opens up or I can figure out how to go 24 hours a day without sleep. Staying home sometimes makes me feeling guilty. I’m not a great housekeeper and there are many days when I make something frozen for dinner. I read too much. Trying to figure out how to start. Trying to make sure I am doing it right so that I don’t end up cleaning up messes from not having any real training. And I like to play trains more than I like to do the dishes. But I don’t work and when we struggle, I often feel like it’s my fault. Because I don’t provide anything but child care and worry.

And I LOVE my art. I love it. I am very proud of it, most of the time. I can’t imagine people don’t get tired of seeing it but I loved to show the process. And I love to hear when it brings other people joy. I just wish I could get away from my monster and use it to really better my family. Because that’s all I want. To make sure my family it okay. I keep taking the classes and reading the books but I am afraid to really jump in. Because I am so afraid to fail.

So I wonder? How did you beat your scary monster. Even if he was just a two dimension, mint green, grinning idiot? How do you get over the scary hill? How can I just do it, go for and stop letting the fear of failing win. Because I really want to leave a mark somewhere, even if it’s just my own notebook, in my desk….

Hi! I’m Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.

Girl crush #BehindTheBlogger

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Being an introvert isn’t a bad thing. Although I am starting to worry I sound like one of “those” introverts who uses her introversion as a crutch. I don’t. I am just okay with it. I, for the most part, very much enjoy the silence of just being by myself. I like to be home, with my kids doing things at home. In my home. I think you get the point. But sometimes, I’d REALLY like to have a friend.

We are “walkers” at school. This last year has been more driving then walking because Dexter still doesn’t get that we cannot play everyday. Especially days when his sister works. And so, in order to avoid a fit, we drive and I park by the bus stop where Drew is dropped off and Davis’ bus stops. I realize this is a bandaid to something I should just deal with but by 3:40, I’ve had enough crying for the day. So we drive. But when we walked, I liked it. Because it was a small chance at a little small talk each day. And I enjoy seeing the little people each day, most happy to be going home, telling mom or dad or whomever, about their wonderful day.

There are a hundred and two blogs out there about the beautifully made up moms. Hair done and legging that are more then my car payment. This isn’t one of those. Most of my mothers are in the same yoga pants I wear. They are often more colorful and rarely as beat up as mine, but they’re yoga pants indeed. Except this one mom. And she is my crush.

She’s beautiful. I once snapped a photo of her. Crazy stalker much. I posted it on my Instagram account like a crazy person and quickly deleted it when someone I know recognized her. I had shared with a glimmer of hope of wanting her to know how much I looked up to her. Because I do.  Her in her boyfriend jeans and wild shirts. She talks so nice to her child and has this wonderfully curly mop of hair that makes me want to touch it. She is always smiling. She is always dressed adorably and I found out today, she is a pretty successful entrepreneur. She just exudes happy, and kind and I want to know her secret. She’s my girl crush… my mommy girl crush. But I chickened out and deleted it in hope no one would share or think I was a complete nut job.

But she makes me smile. In mom world where it’s so cut throat and mean, I want to tell her every time I see her how lovely I think she is. I’m sure she’d think I was nuts or stumble across this blog post and immediately file a restraining order. But she makes me smile. Because she’s just seems to be who I want to be in my heart.

I wonder sometimes, well often, how it feels to be so comfortable in your own skin. I don’t believe everyone is happy or comfortable all the time but what’s it like to feel beautiful in a shirt with enormous chrysanthemums printed on it? What’s it like to talk to everyone with ease? Or wear big, beautiful rings of fake plastic gems? Or have unicorn colored hair. I’d gladly turn in black tee shirt for something wild if I could just get my heart and head in the same camp. Sometimes I run my fingers across the beautiful sparkly things at the mall and think, I’d like that. But I never buy it, because *I* would look weird. That’s what my head tells me. Anxiety, boy it’s a bitch. But I would like to be girl crush to someone… she’s my inspiration and I’d like to do that for someone else someday. Pay it forward, as soon as I get out of my own head.

In my younger days I had a wilder presence. I don’t really know what changed and I think about the pair of overalls I wore nearly everyday without fail. Because I didn’t care and they stayed up, unlike the jeans of today. And it’s about more than just clothes. It’s about self. Loving yourself so much that people can see your joy. I want to show people my joy too. But sometimes my thunder cloud is just too thick.

So girl crush, you make me smile. I want to buy all your things now…. and I want to learn from you how to be full of joy. Thank you for making me smile.

 


 

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Hi! I’m Gail, the voice behind Mimicking Motherhood. I started blogging after the birth of my 2nd child as a way to connect with far away family. Things have definitely changed since then. Now, mama to five, this is a place to help connect with other mothers, who feel like me.I love to make and write all while trying to figure out how to be myself in the world of anxiety and depression. Glad you stopped by.